Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Heavy Heart

Every day has a “climate”, if you will.  For me, I am feeling a day late and a dollar short on things.  I am a working mother for a few great reasons and a bunch of not-so-great reasons.  All working mothers can probably relate to the direction this blog is heading….
I miss my children.  There.  I said it.
I miss them terribly, hopelessly, and with enormous weight.
My weeks are spent working, trying to get home, trying to get dinner on the table, trying to get laundry done, trying to get bath times managed, and trying to get the kids in bed and a decent hour so they are not miserable tomorrow.  It’s a rat race and it stinks.  I pine for them at work.  I want to kiss their little hands, make them giggle, and play like it’s my job.  I wish to be surrounded by sunshine, paints, and paper mache.  However, by the time I get home all thats left is the race.  All week long it’s a race, and there is never enough time to really slow down and enjoy my kids and I truly hate that.  It’s a harsh reality that I consistently try to think myself out of.  The truth is, I only have moments.  Moments of softness, happiness, and playfulness… just moments.  I have learned to be happy and make the most of the moments but today… today I am sad and I decided that it is ok.
I wish I had more time during the week with my Olivia, but not all of her time.  I know she needs her peers at school and her friends do her immense amount of good and bring her happiness.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have a whole day each week to love her, to make her laugh, to do art projects, to play outside? 
And my Blaine.  This make my heart ache more than ever.  My precious and perfect helpless son who is just now starting to learn the world around him… is learning the world through someone else.  With Olivia, I was a single mother and I never even thought about the “what ifs”, but being happily married and knowing my child… my LAST child… is being raised by another truly shatters a part of my soul.   I want to teach him how grass feels on his feet on a warm day.  I want to learn all the ways to make him smile and giggle and I want to be the first to see these small displays of happiness.  I want to teach him to sit, to crawl, to walk, and to love.  Sure I can have a hand in these a couple hours a night and some on the weekend.  Truth is… it’ not enough.
I want my children’s hearts and I want them to have my whole heart.  I ache to be stress free and a loving and wonderful mother.  I used to think stay-at-home moms were weak… or that their worlds were too small. Now, I realize they just made the right choice. 
Love your children with all you have.

1 comment:

  1. Love you Sis, you never know what the future holds!